Why you need to be honest about your intentions in dating

Men get a pretty bad rap on social media when it comes to dating. Man-bashing is rife on Instagram, so much so you would assume that all women are dating the same 100 guys and are ignoring the guys that will actually love and care for them, but that is a blog post for another day. 

We men also have a reputation for not being open and honest about what we want in our dating lives. 

I speak to women weekly that they are dating X guy and that he isn't articulating where he wants their relationship to go. Or he is saying that he doesn't know what he wants. And even X guy is saying he wants things to start casual and see where they go.

Now, I have said these things plenty of times in my life to plenty of women. 

But the truth is, I wasn't always telling the truth. But I wasn't always allowing my self to see what the truth was, I wasn't open to what I was really feeling.

But let's break this down to what I now know was happening for me. 

Not saying what you want or avoiding the question altogether.

So, in the first scenario, not saying what you want or avoiding the question altogether. 

This situation is the most unfair, the reason I say that is, for me, when I was doing this, I mostly thought that what I wanted and what the women wanted were not in alignment. 

I didn't have the guts to tell her because I didn't want to lose the sex or the company. But there is another layer; I didn't want to have to deal with the conflict or hurt that might occur when I did tell her the truth. 

This fear of loss or fear of conflict just created more hurt and conflict. 

I did this with girls I wanted a relationship with, and girls I just wanted to sleep with, the fear of loss would exist in both cases, just for different reasons. I say this because we often assume that men only want casual sex, and that isn't always the case. 

But I would avoid saying how I felt, causing more hurt to myself and the girl I was seeing. 

So dude, if you are in this spot, tell her what you really want. Being honest with your intentions does so much for you. It increases your confidence in your ability to face conflict head-on, it gives you a chance to be open and honest about what you do and don't want, and doing that removes the weight of hiding and lying, it allows you to express yourself with freedom. Telling her what you desire also allows you the chance to have what you want with integrity.

Saying you don’t know what you want

The second scenario saying you don't know what you want. 

Now, I have said this so many times thinking I meant it, but I wasn't transparent. 

Guys, you often know what you want, you just aren't feeling sure enough in yourself about saying it out loud, you're worried that if you tell her "I don't want a relationship", you might live to regret it later, as you fear that you will be held to your word. Or you fear that telling her “I don’t see this going anywhere“ will lead to accusation of lying.

Here is my message to you; men change their minds too. You don't have to be held hostage to your word. People might get upset and even angry, but you are allowed to change how you feel about someone.

But know when you withhold your truth from a woman, you are trying to control her reality in the hope that it won't hurt her. But when you are just honest about what you want, both parties know where they stand, even when that truth changes.

Now, you saying that you don't know what you can also be one other thing, a lie, a lie to keep someone hanging around hoping you will decide in her favour. This is validation seeking behaviour, that is what wanting attention and affection from someone when you know you want something different from what they want. 

And yes, that is hurtful.

Let’s start casual and see where it goes

The last scenario is, "let's start casual and see where it goes."

Now, this can be a profoundly truthful answer. When we have a fear of losing our freedom, making the wrong dating choice, fear of rejection and are afraid of commitment, keeping things casual alleviates all of these fears and worries. The issue is, meeting different or better women won't help you move on from your worries. 

But if you keep finding yourself in this dating scenario, at what point are you going to face your fears or are you going to keep living the same dating experience?

If you want something casual, don't add on that line "and we can see where things go." only to seem more acceptable to the world. Just own what you want. 

Because most of the time you say feeding her that line, you know that the chance of it developing into something are slim.

There is one thing that often goes untalked about in masculine circles, and that is that idea that a man admitting he wants a relationship is somehow week, unmanly or desperate. 

This idea is built on the concept that man should want to spread his seed and that wanting a relationship, emotional connection, and deep sexual intimacy makes you feminine or soft. 

But the truth is when you can feel and know what you want and speak that openly and honestly with the people you date, you will have moved into a state of maturity that most men never reach.

If understanding what you really want in dating is getting in the way of you creating a relationship or you are struggling to meet women that are compatible, then drop us a message at hello@theauthenticman.net, and we will tell you how we can help you.