Am I ugly? My journey to self-acceptance
I was born with a big nose and wonky ears. Other than that, I am relatively attractive, and that is to say, I have mostly symmetrical features; big eyes, strong cheekbones and enviable eyebrows, (so women often tell me).
But none of that stopped me from obsessing over my presentation. At school, I was perpetually worried about whether I fitted in, and if I looked right. I grew deeply insecure about my physical appearance - always caring more about what was imperfect and what others thought about me.
I believed I was ugly.
I gelled my thick curly hair into a middle parting so I could look like the Caucasian boys with straight hair. One time a girl told me I had skinny legs and, I-shit-you-not, I wore jogging bottoms under my school trousers for the rest of the school year.
Everyone marveled at how quickly I got dressed for sports each week!
My obsession over my physical appearance stuck with me most of my life. In my early 30’s, I found some old photos from school and remarked:
“Damn, I was actually good looking”, and yet, I recalled how self-conscious I was back then.
This memory stung, for I knew I’d wasted so much energy fretting over how I looked. And what was worse… I was still in that cycle of self-hate.
My obsession with my physical appearance hid a dark inner truth: I didn’t like myself at all!
My outer appearance was meticulously managed and well-kept to hide this truth. Inside, I wished dearly, that I was something other than who I was.
I was a brown Muslim boy brought up in a predominantly white country and culture (UK), and I was desperate to fit in. To be liked, to be accepted by my school peers and I believed I could never be accepted - because I looked different and was from a different culture.
This was my shadow - My ugly truth.
It would be hip to say I’m 100% over that today, but it’s not true.
I still feel odd or awkward at times. Especially, around new people and especially when I ‘feel’ — like an outsider.
The difference now, though, is that when I catch myself feeling insecure, I will observe the feeling and often chuckle at myself knowing I’ve been here before - and how it can seem that some things never change.
But things have changed…
I accepted my insecurities when I recognised, they too are part of me. And evidently, they are a huge part of my life’s story.
I learned that my insecurities gave me character. They shaped my mannerisms and subtle nuances.
They soften my hard-manly edge i.e. my strong cheekbones (as I previously mentioned).
And though, it may sound odd, developing compassion for my insecurities - chilled me the fuck out, and boosted my confidence with dating and sex.
I began speaking openly with lovers about my thoughts & feelings, without shame, and I observed how this magically forged deeper connections when I did.
I saw how being vulnerable & compassionate with my insecurities was actually an attractive quality… “But, How… Why!” I hear you scream - Because my insecurities make me real.
I am not some pretense or meme. I am uniquely me with my own special mix of follies to contend with.
Having pride in your uniqueness makes you sexy
There’s a pervasive myth in society that good looks equal better luck in dating. But I have experienced first-hand how one's character is their real substance - not their appearance.
I may have been attractive to look at — but I only became sexy once I’d developed my character and began to recognise myself as whole and complete. Just as I am.
Because everything that I am is who I am!
A major step in my journey was arriving at the point where I accepted myself for myself. And that includes my life’s journey and everything that came with it: The Muslim upbringing, looking different and yes, even my feelings of insecurity.
You see, you have your own story to tell and demons of insecurity lurking in the shadows of your mind to contend with.
On the Authentic Dating Series Podcast, EP52: Shadow Work - How to Overcome Your Deepest Fears - we define you shadow as:
“The place where you hide all the things you don’t want others to see”
You could live your whole life hiding your truth and true self from others. And you’d never realise that doing so comes at a great cost — the price of your confidence and self-expression!
When you start to unravel the things that you do not like about yourself and accept them as a part of you - you begin to feel whole.
You will chuckle at yourself for being such a silly human being and cherish your uniqueness. After all, humans are not meant to all be the same.
Comparing yourself to others is a mind fuck and yet we can all fall foul of this.
The problem with thinking of yourself as ugly is that it’s your own perspective that is fuelled by external factors. The idea of ugliness is at its heart, a mentally damaging and debilitating underlying judgment which you hold about yourself —— and it always goes deeper than your appearance alone.
Making peace with your ugly truth is an integral step in loving yourself for who you are and puts an end to the pursuit of becoming someone other than who you really are.
You are unique and your life’s story is yours to lead
Accepting your story breathes confidence into who you are.
Being sexy, is saying to yourself: “This is me, all of me. I am real. I am unique!”
The realness and beauty of any good story, such as those that become worldwide movies, is due to the boundaries of the story i.e. locations, characters and time period.
They make movies believable and real. These elements also force creativity and ingenuity.
Your life is much like these movies — the elements of your life set the scene for your story.
Your thoughts and feeling about yourself are part of the story — and learning to love yourself wholly - good and bad - is perhaps one of the best stories you can tell.
An Exercise in Acceptance
To end this article, I would like you to try something - to gauge your sense of self-acceptance and highlight areas where you could love yourself more.
I call it, The Naked Mirror Exercise.
To do this exercise:
Set aside 10minutes
Stand in-front of a full-length mirror, naked,
and pretend you are speaking to someone you are trying to seduce.
While doing this exercise I want you to observe:
How do you feel about yourself?
What, about your appearance, bothers you the most?
What don’t you want the other person to see?
This exercise will connect you with the surface level insecurities that will lead you to your deeper truths. We give this exercise to our coaching clients at the end of our 3 month ‘Authentic Dating Success’ programme, so clients can gauge for themselves how far they have come in their own self-acceptance journey.