9 Way to build your confidence (even during lockdown)
As the lockdown across the world continues more and more of us are looking at how we can develop ourselves to come out of the lockdown better humans beings, stronger and more confident.
I know from men that we coach and talk to that confidence is the single biggest issue that stands in the way of them meeting the women they dream of, earning the money that they want to and creating the success that will change their lives for the better.
Below are some small things that you can do at home alone to build the unshakable confidence that you dream of. Taking on just a few of them that you aren’t already doing will see that you emerge from the lockdown feeling unstoppable.
Take on easy wins
When you are in the process of bettering yourself it’s easy to think that we have to take on only things that we aren’t sure we can do or big new goals, but that’s bullshit.
Take on easy wins. That might be not looking at your phone for 2 hours, drinking 2 litres of water a day, writing 3 things you are grateful for, going for a walk or asking that girl for her number.
Take those easy wins as wins. Because you could easily have not done them.
These little things build on our self-esteem and self-belief.
Acknowledge success
Yes, saying to yourself, “I completed that” or “well done” to yourself can have a powerful effect.
Our normal way to look at our lives is to only look at what we got wrong and haven’t completed.
When you shift your focus to what you are succeeded at, you feel more confident that you can create more success in your life. And then, in turn, create more confidence in yourself.
But to focus on your success you have to acknowledge when you are successful. Combining it with the below point adds even more power.
Track your success
How often do you spend time writing down the things you have completed successfully?
In a study by Professor Dr Gail Matthews 76 percent of participants who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals, 33 percent higher than those participants with unwritten goals.
Simply tracking your progress MORE THAN DOUBLES your rate of success!
Take on difficult, hard, or unenjoyable tasks every day, big or small
This is something I learned while on a 10-day vipassana meditation retreat.
I had always found meditation hard (And still do). But doing it every day has given me all sorts of benefits but one of the unexpected ones has been self-confidence.
The confidence to know that I can do something every day even if it's not enjoyable, painful (sitting for 10 hours a day for 10 days is very painful) sometimes very trying.
Isn’t that what you want confidence for, to be able to do the things that you shy away from due to them being painful or difficult?
Don’t take losses personally
You will never succeed at everything that you do. This is so important to remember.
One thing successful people know is that they will fail more times than they succeed.
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” - Michael Jordan
But when it happens they don’t make it about their ability, capability or them personally. They know that may be more work is needed, just more time or they just need to get back up and try again.
So, next time you set yourself a goal, like exercises for 3 hours a week, but you only get 2 hours done, don’t beat yourself up. Be companionate, be understanding and be kind.
As beating yourself up isn’t going to make you do better next time, it's likely to stop you from trying it again.
Acknowledge your emotions, positive and negative
This won’t seem so obvious.
But acknowledging how you are feeling can be a big step for some of us, especially if you regularly avoid recognising and feeling your emotions.
But just feeling how you are feeling and accepting them builds self-confidence in your ability to see what is happening in your internal world. This tunes you to be less reactive to the outside world and keeping you more centered and assured in yourself.
Talk to people about how you feel about yourself
This is a step up from the point above. Once you notice your emotions, share them with someone.
Me and my partner, multiple times a day ask each other “How are you feeling?” and we just listen and accept what we hear. I also do this regularly with my male friends.
The key to this one is sharing your emotions, feeling or thoughts and not reacting with an instinctive “I’m good” - You have more emotions than just being good!
This builds your confidence in your ability to say what is true for you, what you are feeling and what you want.
And when it comes to meeting women and climbing the career ladder is able to say what you want or what you think is one of the most important skills. How else are you going to get that promotion if you aren’t confident enough to ask for it?
And how are you going to ask that beautiful girl in the coffee shop for her number if you can’t say how you feel about her?
Challenge your perceptions of confidence
We see many forms of confidence shown to us every day.
But they almost all look the same. A faultlessness, always looking strong, knowing and in control man is usually what we see. We hardly ever see pictures of confident men struggling or having a hard time like we are feeling a lot of the time.
You may assume by writing this that I am very confident in my writing. But I am far from it. I am dyslexic and have always struggled with writing in a way that is anywhere as eloquently as I can speak.
But even with the lack of confidence I have in this area of my life, with the fear of ridicule and correction, I can write this article. My confidence doesn’t look like you would think it would. And more importantly, not being confident in my writing doesn't stop me from writing.
Confidence takes different shapes and forms, just think of all the people you know that you consider confident, are they all the same? Are they even confident in the same areas? What is it that they aren’t confident in?
This is also a great topic to talk about with friends and family to get closer to them.
Separate yourself from the negative internal chatter
That little voice in your head that tells you how bad you are at things, how useless you are or what you should or shouldn’t be doing.
It’s often called your ego, little tyrant or as I prefer, Shookman (the scared and fearful man in your head).
Here is some news for you, that voice isn’t who you are. It’s not what you think of yourself.
And you don’t have to listen to it.
The voice is an Internalisation of many of the voices that you heard growing up, that's why it sounds like a judgement parent.
Gradually see the voice as an adviser or an annoying safety-conscious friend, you get to choose if you listen or not.
But it is not a true judgement of you and who you are. We all have a voice like this. Our job is not to get rid of it, but to relate to it differently.
Try this small exercise to put some space between you and the voice by listening to what it is saying, thank it and consciously choose whether you want to take on his advice or not.