Why We Fear Rejection

The fear of rejection is an irrational fear that has you convinced that people won't accept you or approve of you due to your opinions, looks, personality values, beliefs, or behaviour.

Rejection is at its base level, biological. It is also often rooted in trauma, which feeds into our biological responses.

Rejection is a core human fear. As humans, we have this inclination to belong, to be in the 'in-group'. There's the 'in-group' and the 'out-group mentality. From a biological standpoint, if you're in the out-group, survival is unlikely.

At an evolutionary and biological level, rejection means you don't survive.

In today's world, those innate fears linger.

Rejection for men can mean a failure of one's masculinity, a failure to live up to what the world has told him he should be.

Why do we fear rejection?

If you consider males from a biological and evolutionary perspective, the fear of rejection makes total sense. While this only makes up part of the picture that is the fear of rejection, it's essential to understand.

Males were 'built' in a manner of speaking to be masters of their physical environment. Males were responsible for extending the perimeter, for safety, survival and flourishing, to discover new lands and create new innovations out in the world.

A male’s sense of self is often tied up in their contribution to their environment. So, when they don't feel chosen by the people in their environment if they aren't able to please them or be appreciated, they feel 'rejection'.   They start to feel disconnected, unworthy and ultimately feel like it's a failure of their masculinity, a failure of their male expression in the world.

The concept of emotional self-regulation

A lot of men aren't taught how to self-regulate emotionally.

Traditionally feeling of sadness and fear in males has been deemed something not to be felt, most men suppress those feelings with anger.

So when men are rejected, it becomes anger. It becomes an addictive cycle. Men become addicted to anger because it gives them power and control. So, they almost unconsciously look for rejection because it gives them a reason to be angry, so the cycle continues.

Wounds

For many people, men and women alike, past trauma plays a significant role in fear of rejection.

If we don't have the tools and coping mechanisms to deal with trauma properly, it results in repressed feelings and trapped anger that we take forward with us into our future. It can lead to a feeling of 'If I get rejected my worst fears will happen. E.g. it will mean I'm not good enough. I'm not in the in-group, which can make us feel paranoid.

From a brain perspective, our brain is excellent at recognising patterns in things and does so for survival (if you’re 'rejected' you’re not worth it, you're not in the in-group = you don't survive.)

Sometimes we create these micro scenarios within our environment to help prepare us for something. We continuously create these scenarios of rejection that haven't happened to prepare ourselves for the worst-case scenario.

If fear of rejection in dating is getting in the way of you creating a relationship or you are feeling that other fears are getting in your way, then drop us a message and we will tell you how we can help you.

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